Love and suffering go hand in hand.
You can’t feel love and expect to never experience suffering. It’s the flipside of the coin—like needing fear to find courage or knowing hope only after facing disappointment. True joy feels profound because we’ve also experienced deep sadness. It’s not something we like to admit, but the “good” feelings we desperately chase are shaped by the “bad” ones. They make us whole.
From a young age, we’re conditioned to run away from emotions labeled as “negative”. Think about how many times someone shoved a toy in your face to stop you from crying, or told you to “quit the drama” when you expressed anger or frustration. As we grow up, this conditioning is reinforced by media depicting perfect love stories—where lovers meet, fall instantly in love, and live happily ever after without any struggles. Movies end at the moment the protagonists decide to become a couple, leaving us with an image of a never-ending honeymoon phase. Meanwhile, the rocky relationships around us seem to be warnings of how things should never be.
But then you grow up, fall in love, and when things crash and burn—as they eventually do—you might swear off love altogether. You wait for the perfect Prince Charming to bring a love without pain. Spoiler: He doesn’t exist.
Trying to avoid suffering means running away from genuine, imperfect love. When you only chase the highs, you miss out on something real. And honestly, it’s not entirely your fault—we’ve all been conditioned this way. But avoiding the lows means avoiding the lessons that come with them.
So, how do you open yourself up to love? How do you face suffering bravely and see it as a learning experience?
I’m still figuring this out myself, and I believe it’s a journey—a lifetime of peeling back layers with every experience and each time we grow a little wiser. But one thing I’ve come to understand is the importance of self-love. Loving yourself is essential, like treating yourself with the same care and kindness you’d show a dear friend. Because at the end of the day, sometimes you’re all you’ve got.
Yet, what happens when you do love yourself, and still find yourself allowing others to cross boundaries or hurt you? When you keep falling into cycles you know aren’t good for you?
For me, this is where self-respect came in.
It’s about both self-love and self-respect, and we need both to live fulfilling lives. We often hear, “love yourself,” and I completely agree. You should appreciate yourself, look in the mirror, and be proud of who you are. But even with all that love, there are still times when you might not respect yourself.
I know this because it’s happened to me. I love myself, but I also love people deeply, and sometimes that makes me give too much, hold on to too much hope, and invest in others’ potential. Despite people constantly showing me who they really were or what their intentions were, I kept clinging to a future I could foresee. Like sticking around in a relationship that was clearly not working anymore because I wanted him to own up and put in the work – to stand up to his controlling parents, to move out, to be with me. And I stuck around and waited for it to happen, I dangled the danger of losing me in front of him to scare him into acting. I did scare him, but that was about it. He definitely could’ve done the right thing for our relationship, but he chose not to. Sound familiar?
Or even worse: entertaining a “situationship” expecting loyalty from someone who couldn’t commit to ordering dinner. I hung around like a fire extinguisher, waiting to douse his mess and act like it was part of my job. Until I realized that I was betting on losing dogs.
I want to see people grow and become their best selves, and I genuinely think it’s a beautiful practice to nurture others. But when your efforts are directed at someone who isn’t ready to grow, you become Bob the Builder – and that’s not a good look for anyone. That’s when self-respect becomes essential—it steps in as a rational defense mechanism to protect your energy and well-being.
Self-love is a feeling that comes from within, but self-respect requires conscious decisions. It’s knowing when to step away from situations that aren’t right for you, even if it hurts. Self-respect won’t prevent you from feeling pain or disappointment because that’s part of life. But it will help you recognize when something isn’t serving you and make the choice not to go through the same toxic cycles again.
You see, loving yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never get hurt or face negative emotions. You’re meant to feel everything to be a whole human being. But self-respect is what keeps you from staying in situations that aren’t for you. It’s the annoying best friend who gives you the wake-up call you need. “I’ve learned this lesson, and I won’t tolerate this again.”
Respecting yourself means making choices that go beyond your current emotions. It’s not easy to act against how you feel, especially when you’re attached to someone or an idea of them. But with self-respect, you learn to choose what’s best for your emotional health, even if it means letting go of a fantasy.
I used to think self-love alone was enough to make good choices. But respecting yourself is about rational decisions, even when your emotions beg you to stay. Loving others deeply doesn’t mean betraying your boundaries.
So, love yourself, but above all, respect yourself. Have the courage to make choices that honor you, regardless of what others want or promise. Don’t base your decisions on someone’s potential or the future you hope for—focus on the present reality and your well-being. I promise you won’t miss out on anything. If the change you hope for happens, you’ll be the first to know.
Final Thought
Here’s a question to reflect on: Right now, are you hoping for someone to change? How does that hope make you feel? And what would it be like to choose yourself, even if it hurts to let go?
There’s a line from Kendrick Lamar that stuck with me as soon as I heard it:
“I wear my heart on my sleeve, let the runway start.”
Love bravely. Allow yourself to experience suffering and disappointment. Be vulnerable, and leave when it’s time to leave. And no matter how much it hurts or how many times you want to give up, never close your beautiful heart to all the wonders life has to offer.
